Authors Note: This is a work of fiction, a Parody no less so relax. Names and places have been changed to protect the ignorant and misguided. Though this is technically not a story about a stupid criminal, this statement was so ignorant, if I wasn’t such a freedom of speech advocate I would want the man in jail. Anyway…
Mayor Mike Ellyott of Brooklyn Heights, Minnesota is headed home after a long day of pondering what it will be like when a police officer no longer needs a gun to enforce the law. Over brunch he and his advisors had a long and deep conversation about all the ways an armed police force only adds stress to the city. How guns themselves are a long-standing threat to peace. If no one had guns there wouldn’t be violence in the streets. People could carry out their days without having to look over their shoulder every time a black and white police car drove by.
The idea of police cars being black and white even became its own discussion. Why are police cars black and white? So stark. Karen, Mayor Mike’s civic Empowerment Council chair and long-time confidant from their days as women’s studies majors at the University of Phoenix had made a great point.
“Certain colors are more stressful than others,” she’d said, “Why not find colors that foster calm? That way the public stress is lowered, the police will be less stressed, and the cars themselves would brighten up Brooklyn Heights,”
Mayor Mike was not usually an impulse decision maker, but Karen’s suggestion felt right in his bones.
“Let’s do it,” he’d said.
A quick Google search of relaxing color palettes and they decided right there, purple and a muted grey. They even decided to change the department’s uniforms to a muted grey to match.
Monty, his Recreation Director made a good point, “The Minnesota Football team (He couldn’t recall the name) was purple. Some people love sports, this is going to be a hit!”
Being Mayor was a tough job but tonight Mayor Mike pulled his Smart Car into his driveway carrying a big smile on his face. He had been a little nervous after the press conference. The thing he said about guns and traffic stops just came out. It’s usually not smart for a politician to speak from the heart. But it had worked, his friends were so supportive.
Mayor Mike grabbed his canvas tote from the passenger seat and was walking up his step when he noticed his front door looked…off. The latch was open. It was only and inch or two, but it was open.
That’s odd, he thought. Maybe Rosetta, his housekeeper, left the door open again. She’d done it before.
“Hello?” he called as he walked in. He turned on lights as he made his way from the foyer to the kitchen. As he passed a doorway between the kitchen and the living room, he noticed another anomaly standing out from the norm of his household.
It was dark in there, but Mayor Mike distinctly saw a man standing in his living room.
He had a knife in his hand.
Time stood still for a moment. Mayor Mike and the armed intruder in a standoff. Then it moved, he swore the man with the knife moved but Mayor Mike could not be sure. With a shriek of animalistic terror so high in decibel a chardonnay glass on the counter shattered Mayor Mike ran for his life. His feet scrambling, he ran in a blind panic. With no direction or thought, he sprinted right past the hallway leading to the back door of the house and up the stairs. He locked himself in the bathroom, screaming like a banshee the whole time.
He locked the door and threw a towel hanging from the hamper at it. Then he threw the entire hamper and its contents at the door. Mayor Mike stopped screaming when he backed into the toilet and almost fell in the bowel. He clawed at his pocket for his phone. His fingers would not respond to his commands when he tried to hit the emergency dial.
Finally, the connection started ringing,
“Come onnnn,” he whined.
“911 what is the nature of your emergency?” A dispassionate female voice asked.
“Mmm, bla, mmer, blah!” Mayor Mike was so scared he’d lost the ability to speak.
“Ma’am please, try and calm down. What is your address?’
“912 Folsom, this is the mayor!” Mayor Mike cried.
“What is your emergency…Sir?”
“Man! Knife! In my house!” he spurted. “He’s in my house,”
The dispatcher didn’t miss a beat. She transitioned to the Police frequency while maintaining the same unflappable tone, “All units in the vicinity, possible Burglary with weapon at 912 Folsom Street. Complainant states an individual with a knife is in his home,”
Mayor Mike heard the call go out, “Tell them it’s the Mayor!”
There was a pause, “You sure Sir?”
“Yes, hurry,” was the desperate reply.
Another pause, then, “Be advised, it’s the mayor’s residence,”
Unit 3-1-3, at Avondale and Main Street had just stopped for a traffic light when the dispatcher took to the air waves. She interrupted an incredibly involved conversation,
“No, I mean how else do they have a dress unless they ate the last chick they came across?” asked Hammond, driving down the point with a knife hand to the palm.
Burman was driving, “I can’t stress enough how little I care about space bears or Star Wars,” he said in a gruff voice.
“They’re not space bears, they’re Ewoks,” Hammond blurted.
“Still don’t care,”
The car radio crackled, “All units in the vicinity, possible Burglary with weapon at 912 Folsom Street. Complainant states an individual with a knife is in his home,” a dispatcher named Trisha announced.
Hammond grabbed the microphone from its cradle, but he couldn’t trigger the talk button before the dispatcher added, “Be advised, it’s the mayor’s residence,”
Hammond and Burman froze. The microphone in Hammond’s hand dropped an inch.
“BWAHH, HAHAHA! HAHAHA!” The two patrolmen lost it.
There wasn’t a cop in Minnesota that hadn’t heard Mayor Mikes comments on whether or not Police need to have guns when conducting certain traffic stops. What an asshole. And what a horribly stupid thing to say. Statistically, police are more likely to be killed during a traffic stop than any other operational activity, and this guy was supposed to be their leader.
Burnam’s eyes were tearing up. Hammond patted him on the shoulder,
“SHH! SHH!” He knew dispatch had the geolocation of all the squad cars and they were only six blocks away. They had to answer up. He had to hold his breath for a second to keep from cracking up when he went over the air.
“Control,” he wheezed, “Show 3-1-3 in route,” Hammond flipped on the overhead blue and red lights and blipped the siren.
Burnam didn’t peel out to burn the red light like he usually did.
“What are you doin?” asked Hammond.
Burman pointed to the red light above, “Obey all traffic laws,” he said.
“You didn’t read the updates. Mayor Mike sent a memo last week stating that police, fire, and EMS will do their upmost to emphasize the safety and concern of the public,”
Hammond sat back in his seat, “So out of all people Mayor Mike would not want us to put the public in jeopardy only on his account,”
“No way,” commented Burnam.
That same moment Mayor Mike screamed, “Help Me!” in Dispatcher Trisha’s ear.
The light turned green but no other cars in any of the four lanes surrounding the intersection moved until Burnam pulled responsibly from the line. He accelerated to the exact speed limit, 35 mile per hour.
“Very responsible,” said Hammond,
“Safety first,” replied Burnam.
The black and white patrol car drove down the main thoroughfare traversing Brooklyn Heights at thirty four miles an hour, a horde of cars backing up behind them. The patrolmen made it though two more lights before the next changed from green to yellow. Burnam slowed to a stop before it went red. The intersection all around them was a ghost town as vehicles to the left and right were not willing to cut off the police car with lights flashing.
“Clear?” asked Burnam.
Hammond studied the intersection for ten seconds, “Clear,” he confirmed.
Burnam activated his right blinker and slowly made the turn. He gingerly attained the speed limit before slowing again. A woman walking her dog was looking to cross. She looked at the flashing car. Both the woman and her dog’s head cocked in the same curious way. Hammond lowered his window and waved her across.
“Courteous,” said Hammond.
The patrol car returned to the speed limit four more blocks before Burman again activated his blinker, the left this time. He came to a stop. A beige Chrysler minivan was fifty yards away traveling in their direction. The police officers waited patiently until the confused woman behind the wheel came to a stop opposite them. Hammond waved to her as a means of thanking her as they turned.
Dispatcher Trisha clicked across the radio, “The mayor states he can hear the party in his house. 3-1-3 what’s your ETA?” In the background a high-pitched crying could be heard amongst a muted chorus of laughter.
“Control show us on scene,”
Burnam cut the lights and pulled to the curb one house down. He and Hammond exited the car, softly clicking the doors shut. It was dusk but still light enough to see without their flashlights. The unholstered their service issue Glock 22’s and approached Mayor Mike’s house. From the driveway they could see the front door was closed.
“Control can the mayor come to the door?” Burnam asked in his shoulder mic.
Trisha keyed the microphone but all they could hear over the channel, and from inside the house was a desperate, “Please God Help Me!”
Burnam and Hammond looked at each other, “Sounds exigent,” Hammond stated.
“Control, we’re making entry, give us the channel,”
“All unit’s clear channel for 3-1-3,”
Burnam took point and after getting set at the front door he put a boot to it, splintering the frame and denting the locking mechanism. The two flowed into the foyer shouting, “Police! Police! Come out with your hands up!”
The two cops moved in sync from door to door, clearing hallways and other potential danger areas. All the while they heard mumbled cries, from upstairs. As they came to the living room Burnam covered the kitchen as Hammond sliced the pie, revealing the living room before him step by step. When he saw a figure standing in the center of the room he shouted, “Don’t move!”
The figure didn’t move.
“Got one in the living room,” Hammond called, “Put your hands up, do it now,”
The figure didn’t move, it was dark in the living room, he could only make out the silhouette of a man, something was in his hand,
“I said put your God damned hands up!” he shouted. Then he clicked on his flashlight.
The bright light revealed a mannequin, faceless, dressed in a weird, grey/brown Brooklyn Heights Police uniform. Hammond pulled a rolled-up note from the plastic left hand. It was for Mayor Mike,
I was so excited about the new direction for the PD that I ran over to the uniform outlets and pulled this together as an idea, isn’t it great!”
When Hammond turned with a quizzical look on his face Burnam was there to snap a photo with his phone.
“What the fuck?” griped Hammond,
“At least you didn’t shoot him,” said Burnam.
“Control be advised, Mayor residence clear,”
After a pause Trisha came over the radio, “Copy, residence clear,” the laughter in the dispatch center was louder now.
Hammond and Burnam were studying the new Brooklyn Heights Police uniform while they waited for Mayor Mike, there was violet striping down the leg,
“There is no way I’m wearing this,” Burnam declared.
“You smell piss?”
They turned around to see Mayor Mike descend slowly down the stairs. His face was streaked in tears, eyes puffy and red. He walked in between them to look at the ‘intruder.’ Burnam and Hammond shared a look behind his back. Hammond nodded in gesture toward the seat of the mayor’s pants. They were soaked.
“Nothing to worry about Mr. Mayor,” said Hammond quenching a grin.
“Just glad your alright Sir,” added Burnam, stone faced.
Mayor Mike looked too exhausted to speak.
Hammond watched him, “You know Sir, I see you don’t have an alarm, that kind of thing really helps put people at ease,”
“Having a gun in the house helps too,” added Burnam.
Hammond’s head snapped in Burnam’s direction; eyes wide. He was biting his upper lip so hard he might draw blood.
The mayors head perked up.
Hammond keyed his mic and started for the door, “Control, Mayor secure, show us 0-8 (available for call),” as the two cops fled the scene.
The following day both men were detailed to the newly created Mayor’s (Armed) Protection Detail. Neither asked how often or when the mayor thought they should carry their weapons.
They were also plainclothes so Burnam never had to wear the new uniform.