Category: parodie

Triathlon of Crime

https://www.iheart.com/content/2021-07-26-kentucky-woman-tries-to-steal-truck-trailer-kayak-while-on-crime-spree/

What do you get when you steal a truck, a tractor, and a kayak all in the same day?

Aside from, I’m guessing, a possible meth intervention, you have possibly your first criminal triathlete.

Tina Duncan. I’m impressed with your willingness to do whatever it takes to do whatever the hell it was you thought you were doing.

According to the report (See Above) Ms. Duncan broke into three houses in Greenville, KY. While at the last house she found a truck she absolutely could not live without. She fired it up, crashed through a garage door and went “muddin” until burying the thing in a field on a nearby farm. She bailed on the truck and tried to steal a kayak to escape and evade capture via a small creek. Some how the kayak thwarted her attempted theft where the truck did not. Not to be deterred, she found a shiny green John Deere tractor. Despite not knowing how to drive a kayak, she successfully made off with the tractor. Until that is she dropped the bucket and ground through three driveways before crashing the big green tractor into a culvert.

Apparently, all that action wore Tina out, or she ran out of random vehicles to steal, and got pinched.

Not to mention the fact that Tina sounds like she could be an absolute blast to go on a bender with, can you imagine being the deputy who had to take that report? Complainants, victims, and witnesses coming out of the woodwork while you scribble furiously into your notebook,

“Okay she did what? And then what? And…really?” The deputy takes a moment to look in awe at Tina Duncan.

From her cramped seat in the back of his cruiser she bounces her shoulders, a wry grin plain on her face. Her voice is a sort of muted and she slurs a little bit as she tells him,

“I know, I’m just as surprised as you are. I don’t remember doing any of that shit,”

Reference:

https://www.iheart.com/content/2021-07-26-kentucky-woman-tries-to-steal-truck-trailer-kayak-while-on-crime-spree/

The Mature Blue Stilton, Worth Going to Jail for…

This is almost as bad as when a fugitive falls for the old, “You won a radio contest gag,” which, by the way, I am proud to say I pulled off in the far distant past. But that’s another story for probably never so moving on.

When we look at this story there are a couple of things that stand out. The first being complacency. Complacency is a real concern for anyone working in an operational capacity. Whether undercover protecting an alias, a diplomat working abroad, or even yes, a drug dealer.

Operational Security is the same regardless of what side of the game board you’re on. If you’re on the side of government, law enforcement or intelligence, OPSEC is drilled into your thick skull almost before the ink is dry on your appointment letter.

I guess if you’re a dealer you don’t get that kind of formal education, more of an on-the-job training situation. The story here shows Mr. Stewart, that’s the guy, was wise enough to keep his comms out of the public air, via an encrypted chat service, but became so comfortable in the digital shadows that he thought casually discussing his favorite cheeses on the platform wouldn’t put him at risk. That’s where complacency lies, when things get a little too comfortable. Complacency kills, as the saying goes, or at least in this case it costs you, a lot…like a decade of your life lot.

My question in this whole thing isn’t how the authorities got his prints off the photo. That’s been done. A couple of photo filters, adjust the gradient, sprinkle in a little contrast, and BAM! Forensics. My question is context. This was not a solitary, random post about a cheese no one has ever heard of (or maybe I’m not enough of a connoisseur). This strikes me as the secret squirrel equivalent of taking food selfies. Or maybe he was hosting an underworld dinner party that night and wanted to check with Ecstasy Erica, his MDMA source, to make sure she wasn’t averse to the Mature Blue Stilton. Perhaps he had already had so much trouble with Heroin Karen over her gluten allergy that he was sick of it and decided to run the menu by everyone- menu mystery be damned! Problem was Erica had no idea what the Blue Stilton was and when overwhelmed with frustration he sent her a photo.

“Here!” he could be heard bellowing through the grocery, “It’s a God-Damned cheese! Uncultured heathens…I swear!”

That’s probably not how it happened. But the story seemed more fun this way.

Reference:

Liverpool man latest to be jailed as part of national Operation Venetic | Merseyside Police

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